To love…

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -C.S. Lewis

And I have loved… And I have swam freely in the deep ocean of love. To feel the waves crash over me in a fit of surprise and giggles. To feel the water push me to an fro. To see the water go on longer than the horizon. I have felt the water wash the sand from my toes as I swam deeper than my feet could reach. And in that ocean of waves, there is vulnerability.

Lately I have discovered a different way that vulnerability affects me. I have been vulnerable and tasted the salt air and the freedom in love. And of late, I have been cast to the shore. I have been sitting upon the shore viewing that ocean before me and feeling as though it is just out of reach. It’s there! I am loved deeply. I am supported. I am encouraged. Yet the people who I love are far away. They have a busy schedule, just like me. I no longer walk back into a dorm room filled with faces.

I am teetering on adulthood. I am waiting for the moment I feel grown up and settled. I am staring at an ocean that I long to swim in fully, and feel as though I am merely on the edge. Every once in a while the ocean waves crash over me and I feel the elation of being vulnerable. In between those moments, there is a certain loneliness to vulnerability. But over all, being vulnerable is far better than hiding in a casket. I will not be broken. For the beauty and pain of vulnerability brings a fuller life than the emptiness of burying a heart before it dies.

So bring on the challenge of walking on the sand. For in these moments, I am aware of how loved I am. I have a stunning view of the beauty that spreads before me, an ocean that is deeper than I know…

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